Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Choose Joy 2016 - Finding Refuge in the Storm

"Life without God is not immunity from difficulties, but peace in difficulties" -C.S. Lewis


So this year Grant and I had the opportunity to once again go to the Choose Joy conference. We heard about this conference last year, attended, and immediately purchased tickets for the following year the minute they went on sale.

I have to tell you that this conference is life changing. It's an infertility and adoption conference where you are put in a room with hundreds of others who are facing similar challenges who can help you, comfort you, and guide you along your journey. It's simply amazing. Seriously, I can't say enough about Choose Joy. The theme this year was "Finding Refuge in the Storm." The decor started with black umbrellas hung from the ceiling symbolizing the darkness of the storm and at the end of the conference they were replaced with rainbow umbrellas symbolizing the joy that can be found and the promise of God. What an amazing feeling it was to walk in to a colorful, bright, and joyful room after a long weekend of confronting feelings and hearing so many tough but beautiful stories!

During the second day of the conference we had the opportunity to attend four breakout sessions. there were so many to choose from that I had a difficult time deciding. I ended up going to the following: "an open discussion of infertility", "birth mother panel", "how to better love your birth family", and "seeking God through infertility and adoption". All were amazing with speakers that told us their stories and offered guidance. I learned so much in just one weekend!

One of the women in the open discussion group said something that really hit me. She said that she was very loud about her adoption but very quiet about her infertility. She said that she felt that God wanted her to be loud about both, meaning to speak up and talk about infertility and her struggle. Since doing so, she has been able to help other women who are struggling with the same thing. I think this hit me because I was also very open and "loud" about our adoption. We had so much help and heard so many stories because of it. I am quiet about everything else. So here I am....being "loud." I feel like her testimony has encouraged me and now I feel that need to open up about some things. So, to those who are reading, this is about to get real. I'm not doing this for any sort of attention or for any sort of pity but just to inform and maybe be some help to someone who is going through something similar. So here goes...

I am working through, struggling, dealing, hurting, seeking God, and living with infertility. It is partially non-diagnosed.  I know, what does that mean right? It means that I have been diagnosed with a physical/mental issue that makes pregnancy difficult, but not impossible. The other part is more the medical side of it. I have not gone through all of the testing and the poking and prodding (only a little) therefore it is deemed "non-diagnosed". I know it doesn't make a ton of sense but I can't go into too much detail just because of how personal it can get for me and my husband. I have also never met anyone (yet) going through the same issues and diagnosis so it makes it tough to really open fully about it.

Infertility is defined as "the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after 12 months of trying to conceive". It's not an easy thing to really talk about but did you know that 1 in 8 women are struggling with it? Why shouldn't we talk about it? Community helps us get through those tough times. No one else can understand why baby showers are hard to go to, why watching friend after friend get pregnant makes it harder to say 'congratulations', or why once a month we become an even more emotional wreck. We need to talk about this with others who can help and who can be that support and who understand.

Grant and I decided to adopt long before we decided to try for children. We knew that it would always be in the plans but we never knew when. God decided that now was the time for us. We absolutely LOVE our adopted son, Liam. He is the best thing that has ever happened to us and we wouldn't trade him for the world. He has been the biggest blessing to us. This doesn't, however, change the grief I feel. I know that it will never fully go away. There will always be that longing to know what it's like to carry a child in my belly, to experience that fluttering, the bubbles, the butterflies, the kicks, or whatever they actually feel like. I want to experience childbirth and the miracle that it is. Please don't tell me that I don't need to feel the grief because, "at least I have my son" or that I can just adopt again or childbirth is so painful and I had a kid the "easy" way. Don't tell me all the stories of how your friends adopted then got pregnant so that will happen to me too. It may......but it may not. It's all God's plan and none of us know what that really is. Hearing those stories aren't that encouraging, sorry. I read a really great article of ways to support a friend who is struggling with infertility and I thought it was super amazing. I just have to share it with you all. Here is a little bit of what it said and the ways you can support friends struggling:

  1. Listen to your friend. You may not understand the emotions fully, but be willing to listen when she is ready to talk about it. If you don’t know what to say, simply empathize that what she is going through is really hard. Don’t force her to talk about her emotions, but let her know you are there for her when she is ready.
  1. Avoid giving unsolicited advice. Every situation is different, and every set of circumstances are unique, so avoid telling her about your neighbor’s cousin or friend of a friend of a friend who did XYZ and got pregnant. Phrases like “Just relax!” or “Take a vacation!” or “Adopt, then you’ll get pregnant!” should be avoided. You can always assume that a couple going through infertility has looked into and discussed many options, so unless they ask for your opinion, just share how much you care and how much infertility sucks.
  1. Reach out to her with small gestures. A card, call, text, or email, simply letting her know how much you care about and are thinking of her will mean so much. Every day is a struggle to a friend struggling with infertility. Become familiar with your friend’s calendar landmines, such as Mother’s Day or a due date after a miscarriage, and take the time to acknowledge those days. Coffee gift cards, a small bouquet of flowers, or an invitation for an afternoon out means so much.
  1. Be mindful of your audience when you need to complain or vent. She recognizes that pregnancy may be difficult or being a mother to young children is tiring. Keep in mind that someone experiencing infertility would do anything to trade their child-free life in for your swollen feet and sleepless nights. Sharing your struggles is important, but it’s typically going to be better received and validated by friends who aren’t as sensitive.
  1. Keep her in your life. Your friend loves watching you be a mom. She wouldn’t wish the pain of infertility or secondary infertility on anyone. Sometimes seeing your joy will remind her of her own sadness, but she doesn’t want you to sit and wallow with her all the time. She doesn’t want to eliminate all child-bearing friends from her life! She loves being included and being invited to your baby shower or child’s birthday parties. Just understand that there are good days and bad days, and if she can’t make it, it’s not personal. Love her anyway. Don’t leave her feeling isolated. Offer her grace and support.

I just wanted to share with everyone, especially as Mother's Day comes up, how we need to be sensitive. So many people struggle with infertility and don't know how or don't want to speak up about it. Let's be mindful about what we say and know how much our words can truly affect someone. If you don't know what to say, then just pray.

Infertility has not been easy but part of me is so thankful for it. If Grant and I had a biological child when we had wanted one we would not have our son. I can't even imagine life without Liam. I don't know where God is leading us next in growing our family, whether we are adopting again or pursuing medical treatment and full diagnosis. We will just have to rely on our faith and pray for the next door to open and our next adventure to begin. So we continue to choose joy and find our refuge in Christ.



"These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full"
John 15:11