Words that Hurt

I was talking with a friend the other day about my recent post and we got to talking about certain phrases that can be hurtful when talking to adoptive families. Most people don't even realize the power that their words carry. I have unknowingly used some of these common phrases as well and now that I am in the process, I see how hurtful they can be. I have decided to write a post to do a little educating. I think it's important for those going through the process to give a little grace to those who don't know that what they say hurts but to also educate others so they know a better way to say it. So here goes. Here is a little list of some phrases that hurt and better ways to state them.


"The child was 'given up'  for adoption"
A better way to state this would be "the child's birth parents chose adoption". Choosing adoption is a selfless and brave act. It's not "giving up" but it's choosing a different path for the child

"It will be just like having one of your own"
Um...this child will be my own. I would shy away from this sentence all together.

"After you adopt you'll probably get pregnant."
I don't think I have a better sentence for this, just don't say it. Only God knows the plans for us whether that is to get pregnant days after the adoption, years after, or even never. It will be what it will be.

"Are you unable to have children of your own?"
First, I am having my own child, just in a different way. Second, instead ask "How did you decide to adopt?"


"That's great you're adopting, it's so much easier than having the child yourself."
This process is far from easy. Just continue to follow this blog and you will see.

"You're adopting? But don't you want any children of your own?"
This one stung. I am having a child of my own but just not in the "conventional" way. Adopting is a choice Grant and I have made. It is not a last resort. We feel that our difficulty getting pregnant was God's push for us to adopt. We always felt we would and this was our sign to do it now. It's not that we don't want biological children, we just feel that God's plan for us right now is adoption.

These are some phrases that I've already heard that have been difficult for me. After research I have a few more that I could see later as being potentially painful and what others have already said, "please don't say this to me."

"Who are his/her 'real' parents?"
The adoptive parent is his/her real parent. The better way to say this is "who are his/her biological or birth parents?"

"What kind of a person would give up a child?" or "Why was he/she given up for adoption?
Birth parents who choose adoption are not all bad and immoral people. This is a heartbreaking decision that they will be living with the rest of their lives. They are choosing a path for their child that they believe will be better for them and giving their child a life they don't feel they are able to give. Don't ask the story because it is not our story to tell but theirs. Don't ask if they were a drug addict or living on the streets. These people made a selfless act that was in no way easy.

Remember that the words you use really have an affect on others. Asking questions is okay but just remember that it's the way you ask that matters the most. I would love to answer questions anyone has about our adoption and after we have our baby I can answer even more but don't be surprised if you say something hurtful (unknowingly or otherwise) I will speak up about it.

If you are reading this as a parent who has adopted please comment with any other words/phrases that people have used that have hurt. We want to educate others and give people the tools to change their words.


Someone shared this video with me. Spot on.
"If you wouldn't say it about a boob job..."

"Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body."
Proverbs 16:24

Day Twenty

I want to start this post off with a little bit of a warning. I am not really an open person with many. This post is probably the most open many of you have heard from me. I'm not sure why I feel the need or desire to share with everyone what it is I am going through but I think it will help others understand a little bit of what it is like to be in this position. Maybe with Mother's day being yesterday and it being so hard to go on Facebook or Instagram and seeing all the happy posts from all of the mommies I just couldn't help but feel the pull on my heart. I'm sorry if this post lets you a little deeper into my life than you anticipated but I feel that it's important for people to understand that adoption is not easy and that there was heartache that came before our decision and a struggle that follows. It all can be a painful and unknown journey but I'm thankful I have God with me every step. I'm not sure what I'd do without my faith. I'm also thankful for the people that have been placed in my life that are supporting Grant and me through this whole process.

I can't stop thinking about all of the unknown that adoption brings. We aren't told when our profile book is being shown or how many expectant mothers our agency is working with. We are kept in the dark until we get that call, telling us we are matched. I keep joining adoption groups online hoping to find some solace in knowing that there are others out there facing the same fears, anxiety and unknown that I am facing. Unfortunately all I can find are people that have their beautiful babies in their arms telling me, "it's all worth it" and "don't worry, it will be your time". I wish that was what I needed right now. I have only been officially waiting 20 days now but it feels like so much longer. How am I to survive waiting for what could potentially be two years or maybe even longer? I keep telling myself, well it's good that we aren't matched yet, the money isn't there or we haven't matched yet because maybe we aren't fully ready. I keep making excuses as to why I have to wait. It hasn't just been one month, it's been years now of waiting for our baby to arrive. I know others have waited longer and maybe I'm just impatient but I can't shake this anxiousness. 

So with all these feelings fluttering through my brain I look over at my coffee table and see a book, "Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families and Churches." It's a book that was given to Grant during the Choose Joy Conference. I decided to pick it up. If you know me at all, picking up a book is never my 'go to.' I love the idea of reading and I really want to be a reader but I just am not. I try, but it never seems to work out. So, needless to say, seeing a book and grabbing it to read was some sort of a rarity for me. So anyway, I grab the book and open it to a random page just hoping I read something inspirational I guess. Well I opened to page 88 which was a good read about Hannah and her desire for children but it just wasn't what I was hoping to read. I decided to continue, which for me, is a miracle in and of itself. So as I  read I got to page 93. This, this is what I was looking for. It said,

     "If you're grappling with a so-far unanswered plea for children, let me stop and warn you about something. Remember that your life is being lived out in a world that's more than what you can see. You bear the image of God, you resemble Jesus, and you are a target for demonic principalities and powers who seek to turn your affections away from your Lord. Every one of us has weak points sized up by these rebel forces, and your struggle with infertility is no exception."

Okay God, I get it. I know I'm letting this desire become too much of me. So I keep reading and the book continues with,

     "It's easy to become bitter, envious, and covetous when you want children and fear you can't have them. Moses tells us this is precisely what heppened to our foremother Rachel when she wanted children desperately while her sister had them easily (Gen. 30:1). You can find yourself snapping at the supermarket clerk who asks if you have children, as though she asked what you look like naked. It's easy to refuse to attend your best friend's baby shower because you wish you were having one yourself. You likewise can easily shut down your emotional life as much as possible, numbing yourself to keep from getting hurt further.
     If you find yourself mistrusting God's goodness to you or caving introspectively in on yourself or unable to rejoice with those who rejoice and to weep with those who weep, recognize what's happening--and that it isn't good."

I felt like God gave me a swift kick to the face. I know this portion of the book talks more about infertility than the act of adopting but these are the same feelings I had while we were trying to get pregnant and the same feelings I have through the adoption. I have done all those things mentioned! I missed a great friend's baby shower because I was jealous and knew I couldn't get through it without crying. I emotionally left the room when a friend jokingly said, "don't let her hold the baby, she'll be the next to have one then" and I have become withdrawn to so much because of the hurt and longing inside. What's terrible too is that I know it's wrong to act this way because I know I will have my time.

I am becoming bitter and envious to those who are having babies around me and right now, I feel like everywhere I look people are having babies or are getting pregnant. I just need to step back and constantly remind myself that it's not my time yet but it will be. I may not get to dictate it or plan it but it will be. I need to rest on the fact that God has a child for me, I just don't get him or her yet. I have to wait. God must think that I am more patient then I think I am....

So there is one thing that I ask of you. Please please don't ask me often, "have you heard anything yet?" I know that you just want to know how everything is going  and that you are legitimately excited for us but my honest answer will always be, "nothing yet, still the same." I don't mean to sound unappreciative of your concern but the waiting is going to be difficult and hearing the question from so many I think will make it harder. I promise that I will let you know when something changes. There are some things you can do for us though. Instead of asking if we've heard anything, ask us if there is something you can do to help. We have constant fundraisers going on that we would love help with, whether it's donating or just getting the word out. We also love prayer. You can pray for Grant, pray for me, for our future baby, and for our future birth mother. The support you offer means the world to us and we need everything we can get. Thank you so much for understanding.



"O my Strength, I will watch for you, for you, O God, are my fortress."
Psalm 59:9

Learning to ask for help

Finances have always been the scariest part for me with this adoption. We knew that getting in all of this was going to put some financial strains on us but we stepped out in faith, knowing that God would provide. My fears and concerns about not having the financial backing ready when we are matched and have a baby in our arms is still there and I pray about it constantly. I ask God for ideas to raise money and pray that the funds would show. I know that God is providing but I still can't help feeling a little stressed.

Something that is difficult for me is asking for help from others. I feel like I become a burden on others. I'm the type of person that completes tasks independently.. I am quickly learning that this is not what God wants for us. He gives us a community of friends to help us out especially during these kinds of  times. We are there to support and to love one another. When Grant and I decided to adopt while knowing the cost, I felt humbled. I feel that in order for us to adopt our child and not be put into a ton of debt I would have to fund raise and I would have to ask others for help. So here I am, asking for help.


I have multiple fundraising efforts going on all at the same time so I feel that there is a little something for everyone.


booster shirts
I have created four unique shirt designs to sell to help raise money. I hope you like them! Click HERE to visit the site and share it with everyone you know. Three are sold as unisex shirts and the "adoption is the new pregnant" shirt is a female style. This fundraiser is only going until May 30th so order your shirts soon! The shirts will ship once the fundraiser is over. If you are local you can click the button to have them shipped directly to me which means free shipping for you! I will give them out as I see you. If you are not local please don't click that button, as it will be harder for me to get your shirt to you. Thank you for ordering!

go fund me
Our Go Fund Me site is up and active! If you are looking for an easy way to donate, this is it! Click HERE to visit the site and again, please share via facebook, tumblr, instagram, twitter or any other social networking site you know of! Thank you!!

baby bottles
Our baby bottles are still out! If you have one please return it to me whenever you can, no rush. If you know of anyone who would like one, please let me know and I'll get one to you! Thank you so much for helping us out!

garage sale
We are having another garage sale and we have started collecting again! If you have anything you'd like to donate please let me or Grant know and we will get it from you! Thank you!

improv/comedy night/sketch type show
Two of my funniest friends are planning an improv/comedy/sketch type show! Details will be coming up but save the date! So far we have it planned for Saturday, August 1st. This date is subject to change but hopefully won't. I will post more details as I find them out!



Thank you everyone for your help!! I'd be lost without you! So far our fundraising has gone pretty well and I wanted to share with everyone that so far, thanks to all of you, our fundraising has raised $2850. Our goal is to raise $10,000 which means we are over a quarter way there, yay!! We are so grateful for all the help we have received and are continuing to receive. We would not be able to adopt without you all! It is definitely the truth when they say "it takes a village"... and we don't even have our baby here yet!



^"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness."
James 1:2-3