"The child was 'given up' for adoption"
A better way to state this would be "the child's birth parents chose adoption". Choosing adoption is a selfless and brave act. It's not "giving up" but it's choosing a different path for the child
"It will be just like having one of your own"
Um...this child will be my own. I would shy away from this sentence all together.
"After you adopt you'll probably get pregnant."
I don't think I have a better sentence for this, just don't say it. Only God knows the plans for us whether that is to get pregnant days after the adoption, years after, or even never. It will be what it will be.
"Are you unable to have children of your own?"
First, I am having my own child, just in a different way. Second, instead ask "How did you decide to adopt?"
"That's great you're adopting, it's so much easier than having the child yourself."
This process is far from easy. Just continue to follow this blog and you will see.
"You're adopting? But don't you want any children of your own?"
This one stung. I am having a child of my own but just not in the "conventional" way. Adopting is a choice Grant and I have made. It is not a last resort. We feel that our difficulty getting pregnant was God's push for us to adopt. We always felt we would and this was our sign to do it now. It's not that we don't want biological children, we just feel that God's plan for us right now is adoption.
These are some phrases that I've already heard that have been difficult for me. After research I have a few more that I could see later as being potentially painful and what others have already said, "please don't say this to me."
"Who are his/her 'real' parents?"
The adoptive parent is his/her real parent. The better way to say this is "who are his/her biological or birth parents?"
"What kind of a person would give up a child?" or "Why was he/she given up for adoption?
Birth parents who choose adoption are not all bad and immoral people. This is a heartbreaking decision that they will be living with the rest of their lives. They are choosing a path for their child that they believe will be better for them and giving their child a life they don't feel they are able to give. Don't ask the story because it is not our story to tell but theirs. Don't ask if they were a drug addict or living on the streets. These people made a selfless act that was in no way easy.
Remember that the words you use really have an affect on others. Asking questions is okay but just remember that it's the way you ask that matters the most. I would love to answer questions anyone has about our adoption and after we have our baby I can answer even more but don't be surprised if you say something hurtful (unknowingly or otherwise) I will speak up about it.
If you are reading this as a parent who has adopted please comment with any other words/phrases that people have used that have hurt. We want to educate others and give people the tools to change their words.
Someone shared this video with me. Spot on.
"If you wouldn't say it about a boob job..."
"Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body."
Proverbs 16:24
Being an adoptee, I am also really sensitive about the "real" mom thing. I only have one mom. She's the one who changed my diapers, taught me how to ride a bike, and took first-day-of-school pictures no matter how many times I begged her not to. I have a birth mother, sure, but I only have one mom.
ReplyDeleteI have also been asked why my parents couldn't conceive. First of all, that's none of their business. Second, even if it was their business, why ask me and not my parents? Weird. They even ask "was your both mom too young or something?" Or even worse "why didn't your birth mother want you?" Ouch.
Like you said, there are plenty of situations where adoption is a better course of action than the alternatives. Why does it matter what happened? What matters is that I have a family who loves me.
The thing is, my relationship with my mother is no different from anyone else's. We have our ups and downs, but she's still my mother. We're not missing out on anything just because she wasn't pregnant with me. I wish more people would understand that.