Wow. I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted an update.
Let's just say that since being matched, our life has gotten a little
crazy. I'll start with saying that our little boy was born September
10th at 1:20 pm. He was 7lbs 14oz and 19 in long and he is perfect. His
name is Liam and he has been the ultimate blessing to us -- we couldn't
be happier.
So I thought I'd spend a little time
talking about how everything went during the match, coming home, and
time since then. Some people think that once you are matched then the
waiting is over, the struggle with the unknown is finished and the
celebrating can begin. Some people think that the adoption was as easy
and going to the hospital and bringing our baby boy home. Let me just
tell you all that none of these scenarios is what happens, at least not
in our case. It was quite the opposite.
I'll start with
the match. Grant and I were very excited to hear that we were matched.
We met with our son's birth mom a few times, she chose us and we
celebrated. We told our family, our friends, our coworkers, and even
some strangers. We wanted to announce to the world that we would be
having a baby boy. After the excitement wore off we started to feel
extremely cautious about the whole situation. We were trying to guard
our hearts. We were afraid to get hurt. We knew that Liam's birth mom
could change her mind at any time.
I wanted so badly
to prepare for his arrival but at the same time I was afraid. I felt
that somehow if I planned too much, bought too many baby things, fully
set up the nursery, it would somehow jinx the whole process. I waited
and put off everything I could. We had two months to wait until his
arrival. I figured as time got closer then maybe I would prepare more. I
even told everyone not to throw us a baby shower until after his
arrival, just in case.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2nd: We got
a message saying that Liam's birth mom was scheduled to be induced
earlier than his due date (which was Sept 17th). She was scheduled to be
induced the morning of the 10th. Upon hearing this news I knew I had
less than a week to prepare for Liam's arrival. That's when I started to
panic. I remember I was at work, getting ready for the new school year,
and panicking with some of my friends. I went on saying that I didn't
have clothes or diapers or pacifiers or towels or anything. I started
frantically making a list of everything I needed to get, after all, I
didn't have a baby shower. I started to really stress regretting the
fact that I didn't have anything prepared. It suddenly hit me that I was
about to have a baby.
FRIDAY,
SEPTEMBER 4th: A couple of days later coming in to work I started
setting up then went to our devotion and prayer with the whole staff - the way we always start our work day. Let me just preface
this with, I LOVE my job. I work with the most wonderful bunch of ladies
that I could ever ask for. They are always there when I need prayer,
support, or a listening ear. They are more than just co-workers, they
are more than just friends, they are family. That day, in devotions,
they surprised me with HUGE bags full of baby essentials. Everything
from clothes (in multiple sizes), shampoo, towels, pacifiers, blankets,
and more. They heard the panic in my voice and got together. I couldn't
believe how quickly they orchestrated everything and how much they gave.
I was blown away by their love and support.
SUNDAY,
SEPTEMBER 6th: The next Sunday I was also surprised by my friends with a
diaper bag full of little goodies, bottles, and the cutest little fox
blanket, all for our boy. I've never felt so loved by all the people
around me.
In four short days I was going to be a mommy. It all started to get so real so fast.
TUESDAY,
SEPTEMBER 8th: I went out with some of my girl friends for some tea and
much needed prayer. We all met up and Peet's Coffee and gathered around to
talk about our lives and share stories and pray over each other. That
night I got a text message. Liam's birth mom was in the hospital. Could
this be it?? I started tearing up. It hit me even harder. I knew I
wasn't invited to the hospital so I'd have to wait for the "official
text" to come and meet our baby. I was so happy to be in the presence of
some of my best friends to share my excitement with. About an hour or
so later I received another message saying that she was on her way home
but had another appointment the next day to see where she was.
WEDNESDAY,
SEPTEMBER 9th: My friend came over to help me prepare a bunch of frozen
meals. This was another one of my last minute preparations I was
putting off. As we were cooking I got a message. Liam's birth mom was 4cm dilated and
heading to the hospital. This time I was excited. I screamed, shouted,
cried, and jumped for joy. I was going to be a mom. I called Grant and
he was on his way home. I called my family and let them know. I texted
friends and told them to pray. Liam's birth mom could still change her mind. I still
had to be cautious and still guard myself but I was so overcome with joy
I could hardly contain it.
That night was probably one
of the hardest nights of my life. We were on the edge of our seat
waiting for text updates. We stayed with friends to keep our minds off
of things. I think I slept for about an hour, constantly checking my
phone, hoping to hear the news. I wanted so badly to be at the hospital,
at least in the waiting room, but I had to respect Liam's birth mom's choice. She
would call us when she was ready.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER
10th: Longest day of my life. We left our friends house in the morning
and Grant and I decided to wait together at home, just the two of us. We
were exhausted, worried, excited, anxious, nervous, and every other
emotion in between. I felt sick to my stomach wondering when I would get
the text. We had been getting updates on how far Liam's birth mom was in the labor
but it just didn't seem to be progressing as quickly as I wanted.
Throughout everything God continues to push me to rely on His perfect
timing. Then there was a phone call from Liam's birth mom herself. I thought it was
bad news, why would she be calling me? Wasn't she in labor? Can she talk
while in labor? She must not be that far along if she can talk? My mind
couldn't help but worry. I picked up the phone and Liam's birth mom told me that we
could just head over to the hospital any time we wanted. She wasn't sure
when she would deliver but if we wanted we could wait in the waiting
room. I was THRILLED. I felt that waiting in the hospital would be so
much easier than waiting at home. Grant and I quickly gathered our
things and drove to the hospital. On our way we talked about our
excitement and our fears. We thought about getting lunch before hand,
just in case we were going to be at the hospital for a long time. We
drove to a fast food place but then agreed with each other than neither
of us was actually hungry and would rather be waiting at the hospital.
We turned around and headed to the hospital. When we got there we
checked in and headed toward the elevators. At that time, Liam's birth great
grandparents came downstairs and greeted us. We chatted for a minute
then got the message that she would be pushing now. We got upstairs in
the waiting room and not even 5 minutes later did Liam's birth grandma come in and
tell us he was here. Tears filled my eyes. My son was here. I was a
mommy. If we had gone to get food I would have missed this moment. Thank
you God for turning us around. What perfect timing. Grant and I
silently teared up. It was hard to cover our emotions, feeling like we
had to for the birth family. There was a joy and a sadness that filled
that waiting room.
A few minutes later we were allowed
into the room. I don't even know if i can describe my emotions at that
time. There she was, this amazing woman who just went through an
amazing, miraculous, and painful experience that brought me my son. And
there he was, my son. He was perfect. He was sleeping on his birth mom. The nurse
came in and weighed him, measured him, and gave him his first bath.
After all that it was time for his first bottle. The nurse handed me my
son for the first time. I stared at him. When I thought I'd be over
flowing with joy I wasn't. I felt confused. In my arms was my son, but
then I'd look up and see Liam's birth mom and think, this is her son. It was difficult
to process. I looked at Liam and felt love and joy and then looked at his birth mom and felt sorrow. Selflessly she gave me this gift, how could I ever
repay her?
We stayed and held our son, took some
pictures, and held him some more. Liam's birth mom was exhausted and we knew she had
been through so much that day so we left. It was so hard to leave. I
wanted to stay, feed my son again, change his first diaper, watch him
sleep. I didn't want to go home to our empty house and wait. Liam's birth mom still
could change her mind about the adoption and that haunted my every
thought. That night I barely slept.
FRIDAY,
SEPTEMBER 11th: Today would be the day we'd bring our son home, or so
we thought. We gathered the diaper bag, the car seat, his "going home"
outfit, and a cozy blanket. We were excited to see our son again and
show him his new home. When we got to the hospital we met Liam's birth mom in her room
and held our son. I got to feed him his meals and we all sat with each
other. I still had that strange feeling and it all felt unreal. I felt
like I was visiting a close friend and their son but still felt this
bond between me and Liam. I wish I could describe it better. While we
were there we talked with the hospital social worker and went over
paperwork. Then the hospital pediatrician came in. He said he was
worried about Liam's breathing and that it seemed a little rapid. They
wanted to keep him one more night. My heart sunk. I thought I'd be
bringing him home. I also felt for his birth mom, this means she would have to stay
one more night as well. The social worker ended up doing the paperwork
incorrectly making it so we were not legally his parents yet so we were
not allowed to stay with him overnight. That was
frustrating. That night we went home to another sleepless night.
SATURDAY,
SEPTEMBER 12th: We went to visit our boy. Okay, today is really the
day. We packed everything up and went to the hospital. The doctor said
he was still concerned and decided to have Liam spend a night in the
NICU. I was devastated. Was my baby okay? This time we were allowed to
be "banded" to Liam so we would be the primary visitors while he was in
the NICU. This meant Liam's birth mom could go home. I watched as the woman who gave
birth to my son give him a tearful goodbye kiss. I gave her a hug. I had
no words to describe how grateful I was to her. I gave her a little
gift that wouldn't even be close to the gift she had just given us. We
followed the nurse and our son up to the NICU.
While in
the NICU we had an amazing nurse. She was so sweet. She showed Grant
how to change a diaper and helped us out as we fed and took care of our
newborn son. She kept us posted on every check up he had and assured us
just how healthy he was. We had some visitors throughout the day,
friends and family and we stayed with him late in the night. After being
reassured that he was in excellent hands, we reluctantly went home.
SUNDAY,
SEPTEMBER 13th: We went back to the hospital in the morning to see
Liam. I had high hopes he would be coming home. The nurse came and told
us how he was so healthy and doing so well. She said she would have the
NICU pediatrician come and take a look before discharging because she
heard a slight heart murmer (which is very common in newborns and
normally heals with time). The pediatrician wanted to take extra
precaution and said we couldn't leave until he had an utrasound. Our
nurse, because she knew we wanted to leave, put in a rush order for the
ultrasound and for the cardiologist who needed to look at it. Liam was a
champ during the ultrasound and only fussed a little. Around 4pm or so
the doctor came back and said there was a small hole but should close up
normally. We would just have to schedule a cardiologist appointment in a
few weeks. The nurse brought the discharge paper and we finally got to
go home.
It was such a strange feeling going from no baby and little preparation for a baby and one week later bringing a
newborn home. It was so surreal for such a long time. I had to remind
myself that this was real and he was ours. He is our little miracle.
Now
Liam is almost 4 months old. The doctor says he is such a sweet, calm,
and very healthy baby. He is the joy in our lives. We keep in contact
with his birth mom and birth dad. We send picture updates and visit
occasionally. I hope to update the blog again sooner this time. I know
this was a long post but I think the emotions behind what adoption is are different than what people assume. There are so many pieces and new
dynamics to figure out constantly. It definitely is an adventure.
"I
prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him.
So now I give him to the Lord. for his whole life he will be given over
to the Lord."
1 Samuel 1:27-28a
